Dan in Love? Again? and Again? and Again?

I often struggle to remember what acronyms stand for. STD is most definitely Sexually Transmitted Disease. How about NBA...it is Newba--Haven't you ever seen "The Air Up There"? Well when I speak of PDA I am not talking about those ancient devices we have never spoken of as Personal Digital Assistant; I am talking about Public Display of Affection. Welcome to planet Earth Daniel. Nobody wants to see your tongue half way down another human's throat. We have seen your dirty little tricks with dogs, but you have gone to the next level. I can genuinely say that I am content walking into a room without people making out. Well, Daniel, you have gone too far in your freaky little fantasies. I give you Exhibit B:

People of the internet: Do you find this acceptable? I have made my voice heard--I do not. There is a little thing that I pull out of my pocket called decency that I try to display on a regular basis. Apparently DPP needs some lessons. The irony is that Daniel is in school to become a teacher, and right now I am the one giving him a lesson in No Sex in Public 101. Here are some examples of how to treat a lady in public:

See Daniel: Like Father Like Son. Are you jealous? You should be...Cracker.

I will leave you one final example of how one should not be displayed in public:

The Amazing Race

Does this picture look familiar to you?



Or this one?

Well let me tell you something, brother! There is so much more than you all think you know about the history of the Peltier and a certain 'stache commonality. You may have thought about why all the great individuals in this world, such as soon-to-be President of the United States Barack Obama and future world leader Jim Kelly share a resemblance to one another. This is not a coicidence; they are ancestors of the great family bloodline, Peltier. Our purpose is simple: create a multicultural race that represents all of the oppressed peoples of the world and we are close. Mr. Obama, Mr. Kelly, and all of the great ones must grow a mustache to prove their worth in the high ranks of our society and can only shave once they have achieved perfection. The Rice family would obviously not know anything about this, but we do not embarrass the ignorant, for they do it to themselves.

Gaze upon this picture and compare it to Senator Obama. See any similarities?



Of course you do...

When I have finally achieved a mastery in the art of growing the 'stache, I will look down upon you in my sweatervest and fedora from the cliffs of Mount Everest. Peltier will be your last name, too! We have but 3 purposes: (1) Breed (2) Grow significantly better mustaches than everyone else (3) Conquer

Mustaches as an Art Form

For the many times I have banked on a miracle growing out of my facial pores, I have never treated the craft of mustache growth as anything other than a sheer artform. It is not the thickness of the stache or chinstrap, or whatever way you outlet your emotion on your face, it is the creativity backing it. Last year, for example, I pulled of the upset of a lifetime by rocking a fumanchu. While it was pencil thin, my burnt siena sanchez electrified any room I walked into. That fumanchu said a lot about myself--serious, mysterious, hardcore. The question I ask to each participant in this race to manhood is what will your stache say about you? Perhaps a better way of asking this question is as follows--when this competition is all said and done, what do you have to live for? God Bless Your Souls.

Chin Strap Madness

Oh Drew, our beloved County Road 8 mongrel.  It understandable that after years of being molested by bus number 44 patriarch Doug Nesbitt, that you harbor a small bit of jealousy towards us Peltiers.  

Fear not young man, for it is not necessary for you to make up for your genetic shortcomings by attempting to grow what some may refer to as a "Chinstrap."  Drew, we still love you even though you felt the need to masturbate while watching Keith Murphy work on his 1987 Fiero.  We still loved you after you stumbled into Denny's one morning wearing nothing but a tube sock.  After these obvious hiccups in your young, feeble life we continued to love, but you continued to show unadulterated lack of control.  

Drew, we just didn't want to see you get hurt.  It is time.  Time for you my mustache challenged friend to make like a tree and shave.

I'm calling you out Drew

Mr. Rice:

You may have been the alpha in this situation...but I am the Omega. I will not stand for this insubordination on your behalf. You have uncovered a military secret. In the climax of WW2, my two brothers and I were America's greatest hope. Together, we infiltrated a regime and corrupted it further than it already was. The three Peltiers were a beacon of light in a dark tunnel. To be honest, our stache came first, and it was adopted by the one whose name we shall not say. To prove our authenticity...these three photos have been taken from archives.

Real name: Francis J. Peltier

Code name: Thud Butt

Notes: Fran was an expert in male and female seduction alike. Through his bedtime excursions, he was able to infiltrate every level of authority of the Nazi regime.

Real Name: James A. Peltier

Code Name: Miss Congeniality

Notes: James was known for his catlike agility. The only difference is that he had 12 lives instead of 9. James almost blew his cover when he was caught in his chambers naked lying on the American Flag.

Real name: Daniel P. Peltier

Code name: Blonde Bomber

Notes: Daniel was the only one of the Peltier brothers allowed to keep his hair as he fit right in. He developed a severe mental condition in which he thought he was Moa Zedong. During this time, Daniel was AWOL and lived a lavish lifestyle including his many mistresses. Pictured here is his ex-wife, Mindy. This love collapsed when Daniel received the proper psychiatric attention needed for so many years.

There you have it Drew, the truth. Just remember, when you are plotting revenge, you better dig two graves. In this case, you may have dug 3...this was sensitive information that could easily cause ripples across the galaxies.

The Mustache and Racism

This "Mustache Competition" is merely a cover up of something much deeper, darker, and diabolical that runs deep within the Peltier bloodline. Adolf Hitlers mothers maiden name was Peltier and this shocking photograph shown below is the definitive blow leading all to believe what is truly behind the ancient mustache of the Peltier.

many things must be explained about this photograph.

1. What is the significance?
All three Peltiers are shown with no facial hair whatsoever. The look of admiration towards Adolf's signature stash is clear, as he does rock a killer stash, perhaps the most famous stash of them all.

2. Why are Dan, Fran, and Jim shown in color and during the 1940's?
does cryogenically frozen ring a bell? Nazi technology rocketed during WW2 with all that testing that was being done on the jews.

3. What does this mean?
Its very possible that these three racist fucks are attempting to grow Adolf's signature stash in order to put the people of America in a racist trance in which anyone will follow their orders. The power of this ancient stash is unreal, out of this world, and drop dead gorgeous.

I, Drew Daniel Rice, will do all i can to provide the public with all knowledge i have regarding this crisis. Perhaps I will grow the courage to become the defender of the people and grow this powerful stash faster than these Peltier pussies, for i am a rice, with more man than all three of these racist cowards combined.


I LOVE YOU ALL

Music Video

To all our fans...you want content and this bloodline will deliver. This Thanksgiving we give back to the internet. This is an announcement, no a promise that we will put out a music video in the coming days. There is a ship headed east, and a swashbuckler ready to become legend. Keep your eyes peeled...this is about to happen.